Being a true friend can be difficult in today’s digital culture.
Daily we engage with our social media feeds often seeing highlights from our friends and families lives. I remember going off Facebook for a month and when I returned, there was major news revealed on Facebook in my family, but I was never told in person making me feel pretty disconnected.
You might find yourself scrolling for hours through feeds only to realize you haven’t actually engaged in a conversation with that person for several weeks. Why do we prioritize friendships in our lives?
Author of Vital Friends, Tom Rath conducted a study on the impact of friendships. In his research, he analyzed over 8 million interviews from The Gallup Organization’s worldwide database. Upon his study, he discovered some key findings of the importance of friendships.
One study he conducted was with the homeless population asking the key question: why do some people emerge from homelessness and recovers, while others do not? He interviewed people who were homeless and not headed toward recovery (according to the experts within the communities they were studying.) What they found is that often, like age-old stereotypes, was that most homeless men and women were in their situation as a result of extreme alcohol or drug abuse. Digging deeper, Rath found that often these addictions were in correlation with fallen relationships. Those lacking healthy relationships, who were essentially “friendshipless” oftentimes found themselves in the cycle of homelessness. Rath understands this is not solely the reason people end up on the streets, but a common theme heard in interviews.
The study also looked at those who had emerged from homelessness and recovered by contacting directors or city missions and shelters, asking if they knew people who were now doing well. The study found that those with a consistent network of healthy relationships and friendships were thriving and finding stability in their lives.
Social and medical studies are showing that friendships are vital to our health. In fact, having an effective social circle may extend your life expectancy.
Here are 10 ways you can focus on being a better friend beyond the screen.
1. Remember Birthdays
Good ol’ Facebook can help you remember upcoming birthdays. One year, I actually decided as my New Years Resolution, I was going to send a card to my close friends on their birthdays. I texted a few friends or looked up their birthdays on Facebook, noting the dates on my Google calendar and setting an alert a few days prior so I had enough to mail something out. If I knew I may not see that friend in person, I included a small gift or perishable that they might enjoy. In a day and age we’re used to seeing a ton of “happy birthday,” messages on Facebook, good old fashion snail mail can be really special and unexpected.
2. Quantity over Quality…Sometimes
We all love some quality time. Maybe for your friendships that means a long dinner together or catching up over a nice bottle of wine for several hours. We have all been there though, where the thought of arranging a time with our friends falls behind as a priority in your already busy schedule. Although I’d love to sit and be with friends for a few hours, sometimes that’s just not realistic for my schedule.
I would classify the dinner or wine examples above as quality time with a friend. Sometimes though, instead of spending a lot of quality time together, you need to seek ways you can see a friend MORE in a short amount of time. Make sense?
One of my girlfriends went to the same gym as I did. Sometimes that meant the only time we spent together was sweating our butts off in Zumba class. Did we catch up on all the latest with each other? No, but I had a chance to share a quick experience with her. This kind of experience is quantity. You might find it’s easier for your schedules if you engage in fewer commital ways to hang out, but still have time to see each other.
These simple interactions with friends can still build friendships. Can you find quick and easy ways of spending time with a friend this week? Maybe that means grocery shopping together, going to a fitness class, walking with a friend on lunchbreak who works nearby, double date night… Get creative!
3. Call
Yeah, you heard me. Pick up the phone and hear their voice. I am still working on this one. I commute 30 minutes to town and have found myself calling a friend just because. I will admit, it can almost be awkward at first if you’re not big on phone calls. We’re used to getting a call when something is wrong or a huge announcement needs to be made. The millennial generation is used to digital relationships but I think we’ve lost our sense when it comes to connecting face-to-face or in this case, ear-to-ear. Shoot a friend a text and communicate that you’d really like to catch up during the week but understand it may be too busy to get together. See if they are available for a quick 15 or 20-minute call on their drive to work or to the grocery store.
4. Get to Know Your Friends’ Friends
A friend of mine is a skilled hostess and isn’t afraid to mix friends when she hosts a dinner party. A great way to get to know your friend is to hang out with their other friends. You might learn something new about your friend through the lens of someone else. Remember the hilariously awkward scene on the plane from Bridesmaids? Make sure that getting to know your pal’s friends doesn’t mean turning it into a competition of who knows him or her better.
Your friend may share something with someone else that you never knew about them. Learning about them may strengthen your relationship and help you better understand who they are. You may also find something in common with their other friends and build your own authentic relationship with them. Then, at the next dinner party, you will have a familiar face to talk to!
5. Find Creative Reasons to Gather
I hosted my first book club with a group of girlfriends. Although the idea was to discuss the book, a few of the ladies hadn’t had time to read it, but still listened in. The best part of the evening was although we had centered the evening around the book discussion, it grew into its own conversation.
Sometimes getting together means we share the niceties in our lives. Much like social media, we share our highlights but not the low points. The book club discussion welcomed an opportunity to open up and share our hearts. Since we were already asking questions about the book and sharing ideas, we segwayed into some deeper discussion with one another. On top of that, it was fun! There was food, themed cookies, free homemade bookmarks. Although it’s fun to say “let’s get together,” sometimes theming the evening or making an event will make it that more exciting. People love to feel included and although meeting up for supper can be nice, sometimes having a themed party or event to attend might engage your friends in an interesting and different way.
6. Pray for Your Friends
I am grateful for the relationship in my lives, but aside from feeling thankful for these relationships, I want to make time to pray for the things going on in their lives, even when I may not know the details. The Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why is a show that serves as a great reminder to me that we all have our own deep hurts and struggles going on and sometimes we don’t even share them with those we love. Because of this, I pray for my friends. For you, that may mean something different, but keeping our friends close in our hearts and minds is a great way to remain connected and open-hearted.
7. Analyze Them
That sounds intense, right? There are a lot of great studies out there that help us understand personality differences and they are fun to do! Encourage your friends to take a reputable personality test (I recommend 16 Personalities). Understanding who they are on a deeper level will equip you with better insight on how to communicate. There is always something that can be learned about those around you.
Take time to understand who your friends are because although you may have a lot in common, there may be some fundamental personality differences that if you understand, will help you be a better friend.
8. Hang out on Thursday
It seems my girlfriends and I always fall into the same trap. We try to plan our meet-up on a weekend. Someone suggests getting together and then the texts start to come in:
Can’t, it’s grandma’s birthday
That time won’t work, Johnny has swimming lessons
I’m out of town for a work retreat
I’d love to but I’m tearing apart the basement paneling
You get it. You’ve been there.
A solution I’ve found helpful is to aim to find a weeknight a few weeks from now. Someone will still probably have to opt-out, but you’re not competing for precious weekend time and may have better luck of finding a time to get together. Never assume for someone that they cannot hang out. It’s always still good to ask. I’ve been the friend who has to say no and it sucks when you stopped getting asked. Aside from “hanging out on Thursday,” don’t be afraid to text your friends if you’re going to do something impromptu. Sometimes things work out at the last minute!
9. Listen… It’s a Fundamental Relationship Tool for a Reason
Congratulations, you’ve scored an opportunity to see your friend or group of friends! You can’t wait to tell them it was your cat’s birthday, your mom is entering her midlife crisis and your latest haul at Target was the best yet. Just wait. Although it’s fun to spew out all of our latest life updates, remember to be a good friend is to ask how they are and then…listen. Like actually listen to what they are saying and set aside what’s going on in your own head.
Sometimes I purposefully bring little to the conversation and instead think of questions to ask. I want to grow in a relationship with this person and sometimes that means shutting our own mouth and opening our ears.
10. Be Ready to Accept that Sometimes Friendships Fade
I’ve struggled with this one, but sometimes our friendships fade. People move, lifestyles change or a multitude of other reasons may alter the dynamic of your relationships.
This one hit me hard after high school. The friends I used to see and hear from day-to-day became part of my past rather than my present. I struggled with feeling lonely when I moved away to college and although it’s exciting to make new friends, I struggled with feeling so far away from my familiar friends. I wondered if something was wrong with me because I wasn’t hearing from my old friends as often.
It’s easy to feel like maybe it’s your fault or something is wrong with you. However, it’s likely just the circumstances. These same feelings came to me again in my mid-20s when friends started to become parents. Our schedules just became harder to match up and overall their priorities were just different than mine. This doesn’t make either of you bad friends and it doesn’t always mean you’re relationship is gone for good! Life is constantly changing, so it’s okay to let something be in the past or to not see each other as often as you had before.
You can still be a friend to those you love but it may come in a more passive form. I’m hoping the ideas above might rejuvenate your ideas about how you can connect.
My husband and I had a great talk about this once. He reminded me of this study done by a Dutch sociologist, who determined most friendships fade over time. We actually experience a lot of turnover in friendships over the year. I looked at my husband (who I consider my best friend), with wide eyes being horrified that our relationship might change. What if we’re not friends? The truth is, sometimes we might not be! However, marriage is obviously quite different than other friendships and something we (hopefully) put more effort into. Marriage tangent there, but it’s just a reminder that even our closest and dearest friends may fade in and out of our lives… and that’s okay.
Being someone’s friend is an enriching part of life. Remember not to take these relationships for granted. There are always ways to strive for better connections in our lives. What are some of your favorite ways to connect with your loved ones? Leave a comment below!
Kindly,
Kal